It seems as though I can't toss a croissant without hitting another article about Bringing Up Bebe, a book by Pamela Druckerman. The media has been swarming for weeks around her claim that French parents are superior to American parents.
It all started with Druckerman's essay in the Wall Street Journal in which she shared her observations about why French children seem better behaved than American kids. According to her, you rarely see French children throwing temper tantrums, misbehaving at restaurants, or interrupting their parents in the middle of an adult conversation.
So, the exasperated American mother began to do a little investigating and found several key differences in how the two cultures differ in their child rearing philosophies.
For one, middle-class French parents don't give in to their child's demands. This boundary is set in infancy: they allow their children to "cry it out" in the crib and don't always rush to pick up their crying baby. They also typically quit breastfeeding when the baby is around three months old. This magic formula has produced babies who sleep through the night at four months.
Another difference Druckerman discovered is that French children do not graze on food all day but instead eat three meals and only one snack late in the afternoon. So, when they sit down to eat at a restaurant, they are actually hungry and spend their time eating instead of throwing food on the floor or demanding their caregiver's attention.
Not that an un petit enfant could get his parent's attention on whim, even if he tried. Druckerman discovered that French parents firmly protect their "adult time" and expect their children to play independently and respect their time and space. All of these practices seem to produce children who understand delayed gratification and patience. You rarely see a French mom playing with her children on the playground, but you will see the kids playing intently on their own while the moms relax and talk.
I find this concept to be quite a mystery. It is so different from my own parenting practices. After reading Druckerman's observations, it became quite obvious that I am so American, it's almost funny.
I am a longterm breastfeeding, attention giving, snack-wielding mom, and my home is bustling with two rambunctious boys. Both of them were swooped up at the first whimper when they were babies. Nary a tear fell in the middle of the night before I hovered over their cribs, offering a snuggle in the rocking chair.
I am very accessible to my kids. Both of them know that if they need me, they have permission to come find me and slip their hand in mine. It's so nice to feel them lead me to where they need me. I gladly stop what I'm doing to engage in their world, and they are constantly scouting me out to play with them. I can often be found sprawled out in the sandbox, shoveling sand, and I actually enjoy the connection that we have.
Of course, if I'm being honest here, they won't let me talk on the phone for more than two minutes without causing some sort of trouble. They've been known to have bright blue lips from the Popsicles I hand over as a bribe, just to steal a moment of adult conversation.
Perhaps I could learn a thing or two from French mommies, after all.
Do you follow any of the French parenting practices with your children? Do you think that American parents could learn from them? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
Erin Lashley
1:52 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
There's a lot to be said for children who can comfort and entertain themselves, and for adult time. Sounds good to me, French parents!
Leigh Hewett
9:53 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I know, it really does sound enticing in some ways.
Leigh Hewett
2:30 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I thought this article raised some interesting points about how Americans can help their children build self control without looking to other cultures for tips.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/19/opinion/sunday/building-self-control-the-american-way.html?_r=4
Caroline U
8:15 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Leigh, I read the original article in the WSJ but I have not read the book. I parent in a vet similar way that you described so I can relate more with you than the French mom. I am curious though if some observations could beads about teen and grown children and their relationship with their parents in France? I mean, not that we cant learn from them, but I just wonder if they are as connected as we are?
Leigh Hewett
9:55 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I read another article about the subject that suggested that French people typically hit depression in their early adult years. Makes you wonder, huh?
Caroline U
8:17 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sorry! I am typing from my iPod and there are all kinds of typos as it "instant corrects" I hope my comment is still readable!
Leigh Hewett
9:55 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I appreciate your comments, typos and all.
Linda Labbo
9:09 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I've heard the rumor that French children are also introduced to wine with meals at an early age.. hHmmm.. could that have anything to do with why each un petit enfant really is mellow?
Leigh Hewett
9:55 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
You're too funny!
Jesse
11:09 pm on Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I am an attatchment style parent (it sounds like you are too) and I find it a bit sad that french babies are weaned so early. The benefits of breastfeeding are so numerous. Not to mention the important bonding that takes place between mother and child. Some of my most prescious moments with my children have been late at night when I answer their cries and nurse them.
Leigh Hewett
9:57 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I had some of the exact same thoughts when I read about their early weaning.
Gail Moore
9:13 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I think I must be somewhere in the middle here. More than my own gratifying moments, I have always felt it was my job to help raise productive adults - while allowing them to be children. I wanted my children to be confident for the day that they needed it on their own - not with me standing behind them. At 22 and 16, I am not only proud of my girls, I am proud of the people they are. Confident and independent without being needy and certainly without the need for instant gratification. For the most part, they are outward looking - meaning they don't look for their own self-interests before others and I have to attribute that to NOT being an ON DEMAND sort of parent. That being said, they were not forced to cry for days on end in their rooms while I indulged in adult time ...
In this day and age when people are too impatient to wait for a microwave meal and instant validation is expected for good behavior, I think it is important that kids learn self discipline as early as the parents are capable of teaching it. Because the truth of it is, it IS the parents' responsibility to teach and enforce that concept.
At the same time, I still indulge in ... let's call it "childish behavior"... many times. Just nowadays, I usually get a big eye roll when I do it.
Leigh Hewett
9:56 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
It sounds like you found a great balance. There is no better way to gage our parenting skills than to watch how our children take on the world without us.
Stephanie Gross
11:42 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
We're trying to find that balance as we raise our toddler. Thanks for sharing your perspective, Gail!
Gail Moore
12:02 pm on Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thanks, Leigh & Stephanie. I guess confession time is good for the soul, so I must admit, our circumstances were different. The father of my oldest child committed suicide when she was two; I sought out the advice of a child psychologist to give me guidance in how to raise a child that would grow to be self sufficient but confident that we had her back when needed. It went against every natural parental instinct that I had to just pick her up when she fell, quick hug, pat on the pampers and send her back to play. My instinct was to fuss, love, kiss, coddle, band-aids, popsicles and chocolate chip cookies to mend every woe. But, quite literally, I felt her life was on the line. As Genevieve has described, I got a lot - A LOT (shall we say MASSIVE) amounts of criticism from within my own family for what they felt was callous disregard for minor things. We had to retrain ourselves as parents with refreshers as she got older and went through adolescence. We carried the same parenting exercises through to our youngest, even though she didn't manifest some of the same issues. I'm glad to say they are good students, great kids (well, except for the normal teenage drama ... well documented on the Patch) and people that I generally like to associate with.
Genevieve
10:23 am on Thursday, March 15, 2012
Being French myself, I have to say, there is some good and bad in both styles of parenting; my dad's kids is American and he could not understand why I let my son (the 1st child of 3) cried instead of rushing to him and nursed him (that was somehow his obsession, the dad, not the child). While we were still in France, I felt I had the support of my family raising this little boy; then we moved to the States and it was a different tune. I entered a world where kids were/are nursed until a yr old or more, where no child could cry more than 5 seconds, and where I could not have 10 minutes to myself coming home from work (after picking up the kids from day care or schools). I tried to be there for them the "american way", as much as I could, and yet also tried to give them boundaries and discipline the way I and my sisters were raised; I was not raised in a harsh way, but there were times I wanted to spank them or lock myself in the bathroom, just 10mns, just to have peace and quiet. It was difficult to balance 2 different cultures ( not only in parenting), and sometimes still is. But as a mom I survived, and I believe my kids have turned out ok, but only them could tell you.
Tamara Tillman
4:38 pm on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I am an attachment parenting Mom of infants... but I do believe that attachment parenting has its limits. Children should be taught delayed gratification, emotional control and all of those good things once they are of age to make those lessons. My personal motto of parenting is the more time you spend holding your baby, responding to their needs, breastfeeding, the less time you will need to spend on your child as they get older. That is - the more your infant knows they can trust you, the more your toddler and older child will trust you to set boundries for them. In other words, trust comes first and then discipline.
One place I derive this theory from in the neighboring country of Spain. I have spent a considerable amount of time there and am always very impressed by how well behaved Spanish children are. They are coddled as babies and then disciplined as they get older. More importantly - they go EVERYWHERE with their parents (even out to eat at 12 at night) and the parents don't appear to have overly kid - centered lifestyle. So, of course, the kids learn to behave. They are given the message early on that they are valued members of socity and, as such, expected to act like it.
These theories of mine have been heavily backed by research both as a developmental pyschology major and by watching other Moms. My 2 children are very well behaved and I would never think of not taking them anywhere with us (even to fancy restruants)!
Marilee
6:45 pm on Thursday, March 15, 2012
I loved the article about French parenting. As a retired teacher, with a Masters in Early Childhood Education, I felt I raised our two children (and taught my students) with much of the same mindset as stated in the article. I did breastfeed my children for as long as I could: one for 9 months, the other weaned herself at 6 months. I remember our pediatrician taught me how to get our first-born to sleep through the night (back in 1981): "let him cry, and learn to put himself back to sleep without adult help. Each night, the crying time will half." Sure enough, the first night he awoke and cried for at least an hour. It KILLED me not to go and comfort him!! I cried, myself! After an hour or so, he wore himself out, and slept the rest of the night. The next night, he awoke and cried for about 30 minutes. The third night, he cried about 15 minutes, and he slept through the night from then on, at 8 weeks. Amazing. From my Early Childhood Education training, I learned to "teach children to become independent adults." I raised my children to be independent, beginning while they were toddlers. I never once heard either one of them say, "I'm bored." They learned to entertain themselves as toddlers, though I loved playing with them, and they continued enjoying independent activities into adulthood. We did many fun things together, but also had our independent fun, quiet time. And we all shared one TV until the kids left for college, a major feat in learning to share!